The Hardest Person You’ll Ever Lead Is Yourself

Penny Izlakar

Part 1 – Lead Yourself Before You Lead Others

At every stage of leadership, one truth remains constant. You need to grow as a leader by leading yourself effectively before you can truly lead others.

Self-leadership is the foundation upon which influence, credibility, and trust grow. It's about managing your emotions, knowing your triggers, staying grounded under pressure, and choosing intentional responses over reactive ones. The higher you rise, the less feedback you receive and the more your self-awareness becomes your compass.

Early in my career, I equated leadership with output—delivering results, managing priorities, and supporting the team. However, as my scope expanded, I realized that the real test of leadership wasn't in managing others—it was in managing myself.

I once led a major initiative that carried both a tight deadline and two competing priorities. I was still early in my leadership journey, and the pressure of managing multiple teams while fundamentally changing how the company operated from a records management perspective was intense. I didn't yet have the self-regulation tools to stay calm under stress, and it showed.

We met the deadline, and the project was successful on paper—but personally, it didn't feel like a win. I had delivered results, yes, but I hadn't led with composure or intention. My own stress had set the tone for the team, and I could see it reflected in how they reacted to challenges.

That experience taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my career: your energy leads before your words do. Self-leadership isn't about perfection—it's about awareness and choice. Knowing how you feel and how you present yourself is what helps you transform from a good manager to a trusted leader.

Practical Tips:

• Conduct a 1–3-minute check-in with yourself: "How did I show up yesterday, and how do I want to show up differently today?"

• Tap into your physical stress cues and find ways to reduce that stress.

• Offer yourself space to adjust your reaction to the trigger that arises.

One action today:

Before your next meeting, write down one emotion you're feeling and how you want to show up in its place. That simple awareness shifts your presence.

2. Emotional Intelligence in Action

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is more than empathy—it's the ability to read the room, understand your impact, and adapt your approach without losing authenticity.

I once worked alongside a senior leader who was a good leader under calm conditions but became a tyrant during times of stress. When projects or outcomes did not live up to their expectation, interactions and meetings became very uncomfortable. What struck me wasn't their stress— it was their lack of awareness of the impact it had on our working relationships and outcomes. I personally looked for ways to avoid the uncomfortable. Still, it taught me two things: 1) how I wanted to show up as a leader and 2) how to handle that type of leader in the future. Watching that play out reinforced a truth I carry into my own leadership: people remember how you made them feel far longer than the details of what you achieved.

Contrast that with another leader I've worked alongside—one who remained calm, curious, and grounded even in tense executive discussions. Their EQ was their differentiator. They didn't just influence outcomes—they elevated everyone in the room.

Both experiences shaped how I lead. Today, when tensions rise, I consciously try to slow my response, ask one clarifying question, and listen more than I speak. That small discipline changes the dynamic—and builds trust.

Practical Tips:

• Replace "react" with "respond." Pause before giving feedback or making a decision.

• Ask trusted peers, "How do I show up under stress?"—then listen without defending.

• Use curiosity as your superpower: seek to understand, not just to reply.

One action today:

• After your next difficult conversation, reflect: What emotion drove my response? What would I do differently next time?

3. Building Daily Habits of Reflection

Self-leadership grows through reflection—the habit of looking back to move forward. Journaling can help you identify patterns in how you present yourself, handle stressful situations, and whether you are living up to your leadership values. To me, it seems self-serving to put my thoughts on paper during highly intense periods of work. I don't always look back, but it is something I need to do more often to see the patterns and find the winning nuggets hidden in my journal writing. You can answer standard, repeatable questions or write about your day with the intention of including how you feel and what you can work on tomorrow to improve a similar outcome.

Practical Tips:

• Schedule "thinking time" weekly to step back from doing.

• Capture lessons learned after each significant milestone or conflict.

• Use a journal or digital note to track recurring themes in your leadership.

One action today:

Write one sentence about a moment today that challenged your patience or confidence. Reflect on what it revealed about your leadership habits.

4. Tools for Growing Self-Awareness

Self-awareness isn't static—it's something you cultivate through feedback, reflection, and data. Fortunately, some tools can accelerate the process.

• Reflection / Journal Exercises: Ask yourself weekly, "What do I want to be known for this quarter?" and "Am I showing up that way?"

• Consider self-assessments 

• EQ Assessments: Tools such as the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal (EQ-i 2.0) provide valuable insights into strengths and areas for growth. Check out my "Self-Awareness - Are You Listening?" blog post for more on EQ assessments.

• 360 Feedback: Seek input from peers and direct reports—not just about what you do,

  but how you make people feel.

  
  

I have taken EQ assessments throughout my leadership journey. Early in my career, the results showed high empathy but low self-regulation. It was humbling—but also freeing. It gave me language for what I sensed and clarity for what to improve. 

Practical Tips:

• Treat assessments as a starting point, not a label.

• Revisit them annually to measure growth.

• Pair data with the patterns you have learned through reflections and feedback.

One action today:

Pick one reflection tool—journal, peer feedback, or EQ quiz—and commit to using it this week. Small insights compound over time.

Final Thoughts

Leading yourself is the leadership work that never ends. Emotional intelligence, reflection, and resilience form the bedrock of sustainable influence.

When you manage your inner world with intention, you create clarity and calm for others. The best leaders don't just direct teams—they model what self-leadership looks like in motion.

3 Takeaways

1. Your energy precedes your words. Self-awareness drives team trust.

2. EQ is a leadership multiplier. Influence starts with emotional regulation.

3. Reflection builds resilience. Growth begins with honest self-examination.